Flossie Returns!!!!!

Hello faithful followers and patrons of the Playa

It has been some while since I posted and I do apologise. We had a great season of events planned leading up to Christmas and the New Year but everything was put on hold by Keith (pronounced ‘Keith”s) untimely absence due to a misunderstanding involving a young lady, a walrus and a gorilla fancy dress costume, resulting in a short break at her Majesty’s pleasure.  All resolved now and we managed to keep it out of the papers but it did mean that I had nobody to unblock the drains or do the shopping, or indeed everything. Since I am technically related to the Queen (long story) I cannot be expected to even know how to do these things. It’s just not in my genes.

Anyway, Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) did return at the beginning of January but by then I was so traumatised by having to wash my own smalls and feed myself, I felt I needed a break.

I therefore went on sabbatical for a month.  I will probably tell you about my exploits in another post but for now, it’s all go here at the Playa now I am back, with a special party being laid on for me!  Unfortunately, since all the staff left us over the ‘incident’ and my subsequent lack of commitment to the Playa, it has been left to Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) to organise everything.  During my sabbatical, Keith (etc) was good enough to keep the place going but he had to contend with the worst rainfall since records began and also a serious drink problem, not to mention an undiagnosed condition of the foot, which resulted in many hours in A&E and a limp.  He also turned the place into a brothel, something I predicted ages ago if ever I wasn’t about, so I had to spend a week evicting Russian immigrants from all the rooms and Febrezing everywhere.

We therefore apologise in advance if the entertainment is not quite up to the usual high standards and ask that you bear with us as we have now invested in a whole new programme of upgrades, further details to be announced soon.

So, back to the party.

We will be holding this in the Club Room, not ideal for such a big event but sadly the only room not damaged by the floods.  This was the grand ballroom, which would have been perfect but, as you can see, is no longer useable.

The Grand Room, sadly no longer grand

The Grand Room, sadly no longer grand

Luckily, the Club Room escaped the flooding so we are able to use this, although with the amount of guests we are expecting it might be a bit of a squeeze.  I think you’ll agree it has a great atmosphere though, eh?  This photo was from the annual Penis Jugglers Convention, held at the Playa last year.  Always a fun event!

Penis Jugglers comparing notes

Penis Jugglers comparing notes

Entertainment will be provided by the ever popular Mitzi and Suze, still reeling from their success on Britain’s Got Talent, and who always delight us with their performance and sparkle.  Rumour has it that they have a new ‘adult’ act up their sleeves, involving pickled onions and some sandwich filler but we shall just have to wait and see!

Mitzi and Suze on TV

Mitzi and Suze on TV

Tickets are not needed for this event, which starts this evening at 7.30pm but you are advised to arrive early if you want a seat and some of the delicious free buffet.

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We look forward to seeing you later on to celebrate Flossie’s return and a new year of events at the wonderful Playa de Arlow, the most happening place to be in Essex!!

Dress Code: Preferable

The Management

 

 

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The Only Way Is Playa de Arlow this summer!

Good day, Playa fans.  I hope you have all been enjoying the marvellous hot weather we have been so fortunate to have here in the UK this month?

Here at the Playa, we have been busy with the usual flurry of guests wanting to spend a few days away at our fabulous resort.

This month has seen an unusually high number of visitors, particularly since several members of TOWIE were recently spotted in the locality.  Technically, they weren’t actually TOWIE cast members but they certainly looked like them and behaved in exactly the same idiotic manner so they count as TOWIES.

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Obviously, with all the extra guests we have had to extend the resort and open up the rear car park to caravans and mobile homes.  I think you’ll agree that we have managed to create a very exclusive and upmarket site though, yes?

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And now we are almost into August…..

August is RIOT MONTH in the UK, as I am sure you are aware.  To celebrate this traditional British festivity, we will be holding a whole host of events to entertain you.

Come and sample some of the wonderful local (and international) beers on offer at the BEER TENT.

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Be entertained by the hilarious ‘Fire Setting’ event, where locals compete to see just how many vehicles they can set ablaze in an hour, dressed in traditional rioting costumes!

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Join the looters as they merrily rampage through the town centre, joyfully smashing windows and stealing worthless items from Poundland and Primark!

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Enter the traditional August Rioting Games and be part of the fun!

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Whatever you decide to do, we look forward to seeing you and we hope you will go home feeling that you are truly part of a great British festival!

Valentine’s Day at the Playa

Welcome back readers to our latest newsletter.  We here at the Playa were overwhelmed at the response to our last offer, which included a reduced introductory fee  for new members of the Winter Sports Club.  Flossie has been inundated with requests for muffs, all of which are hand-knitted by Flossie herself.

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One of Flossie’s lovely hand-knitted muffs…..

Valentine’s Day is now almost upon us and, true to form, the Playa has an exciting special offer for you

For a very reasonable price, we here at the Playa are proud to announce that we are now able to perform GAY MARRIAGES*

Yes, we can happily let you gayer types tie the knot, and whatever else you people tie, here in our specially converted GAY CHAPEL

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The beautiful chapel at the Playa

Enjoy a day with your loved one, and seal your love for each other by getting married.  Flossie & Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) are both qualified to perform marriage ceremonies.  Well, not exactly qualified but we have a rough idea of what to do.  And we both scrub up well so we won’t let you down in the photos

Alternatively, just come and have a bit of dinner and a shag.  Much cheaper and just as much fun

*Offer also open to non-gayers but without the wedding bit.  So basically, just dinner and a shag

Disclaimer: The management are not anti-gay. In fact, many of their best friends are gayers.  Indeed, we are waiting for the wedding invites to flood in now.  We are, however, not particularly taken with the whole idea of marriage if it excludes those people who choose to love others of the same sex.  This post is a celebration of the fact that our friends are now able to choose to marry, should they wish to.

Happy New Year from the Playa!

Festive greetings from the Playa.  We hope you all enjoyed your Christmas break and we extend a heartfelt thank you to those of you who chose to spend Christmas and Boxing day with us.  Thanks again mum.

Anyway, we still have New Years Eve to look forward to and I hope you will all come along to this special event (further information is in previous update).  If you are unable to join us to see in the New Year we hope to see you in 2013 as we really do have a great year planned here at the Playa, details of which will follow in a future bulletin.

Meanwhile, Flossie has been busy expanding her portfolio and has recently decided to run for PM.  As I am sure you are aware, this is a very time-consuming job, what with lunches and press releases and running the country and that, so she may not have quite as much time to spend at the Playa.  However, Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) will be holding the fort and making sure that all your needs are catered for and she will still be around to oversee things (mostly because Keith would turn it into a brothel if he was left to his own devices).

As part of Flossie’s new venture, the Playa plans to rent out the newly refurbished dance hall and we are delighted to be able to tell you that David Cameron has already expressed an interest in holding the 2013 Conservative Conference here.

david cameron

Unfortunately, Flossie is a staunch labour supporter so it is unlikely that this will go ahead.  Nice to be asked though.  We have approached Eddie, therefore, and we are waiting for him to get back to us.  We’ve included several tempting ‘extras’, such as free beer, sandwiches and call girls, so we are hopeful he will want to hold this prestigious event at the Playa.

(It should be noted at this point that Flossie is NOT running for PM as a labour candidate as they are also pretty useless.  She intends to form her own party and is busy working on her manifesto as we speak).

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Anyway, that’s all from the Playa de Arlow for now.  To all who have loyally followed and supported us this year, we say thank you and we would like to wish you a

VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The Management

 

 

Essex Wine – Only at the Playa de Arlow!

Here at the Playa we strive to keep our customers happy.  It is with great pleasure, therefore, that we are proud to announce our latest venture.

Essex has a rich, fertile landscape that lends itself perfectly to the cultivation of grapes.  For the past few years, we have been developing our vineyard and we are now ready to introduce the world to our wonderful, organic, locally grown wine.

St Chardonnay is named after a popular saint of the area.  Indeed, many wines worldwide have adopted the name and it is often mistakenly thought that the name derives from a variety of grape.

As it happens, the name comes from the wife of a local squire, around the time of The Conquests, who was renowned for her services both to the local community and to soldiers passing through.  She was beatified, and later canonised by the Pope himself, for her generosity and her ‘giving’ nature and the name has lived on through the ages, with many Essex couples still choosing to name their firstborn after this saintly lady.

We therefore introduce you to St Chardonnay de Playa 2012.

This wine initially has a light, fruity taste on the palette, with subtle undertones of chewing gum and smoky bacon flavour Wotsits.  On first taste you may think it is a cheeky little wine but, as the flavour bursts onto your tongue, you realise it is in fact a downright slapper.  Undercurrents of Stella and Lambrusco complete the illusion of a balmy night out in a local pub and the final kick, delivered by the essence of kebab, really completes the picture.

A finely balanced wine with the potential to deliver a punch, at 16% ABV.  Not for the faint hearted!

Available by the case at a very reasonable price of 45 pence per unit.

 

 

 

Winding down at the Playa

Well it has certainly been a busy month here at the Playa.  We are starting to wind down now, as the season approaches its end, but we would just like to thank all those of you who have participated in the events, followed our antics and helped to clear up the mess afterwards.

As there is an almost full moon tonight we thought you may like to take part in the annual ‘Howl at the Moon competition’.  All you have to do is howl, it’s that simple.  There are no prizes because there will be no winners.  It will just entertain the staff here who are, quite frankly, not that much use to us at the moment, half of them having gone off to perform in some shoddy  Am Dram production of Oliver! at the local theatre.


Oliver! The Musical at Rhodes Arts Complex

Still, those of us still here will appreciate your efforts.

Don’t forget we have the Chuckle Bros here on Friday night – have you got your tickets yet?  It’s bound to be a sell out!

No entries as of yet for the Playa’s got Talent show on Saturday but no doubt there will be a rush at the end of the week so we are looking forward very much to that!!

Be sure to visit us soon and sign up for our regular newsletter!

The Management

Meet the team!

We are delighted to confirm that a number of appointments were made yesterday here at the Playa, following a day of recruitment.

Competition was tough and we congratulate the successful applicants who will be taking up their positions over the coming months.

Our first appointment was something of a specialist position but one we felt was very much-needed at the Playa, since we are currently looking to expand further.  Bob, as she likes to be called, will be helping with the massive new building project we have planned over the winter months.  She is VERY experienced in all sorts of construction work, and has been instrumental in helping get some of the largest erections in the world up.

Our next new member of the team is Mintie, who will be managing the brand new golf course for which planning permission is currently being applied for.  Mintie, or ‘Big M’ as he likes to be called, described himself as a ‘Ball-whacker’ which immediately endeared us to him in the interview.  He has vast experience in the world of balls and we feel he is going to be a huge asset to the team.  Welcome, Big M.

Alongside Big M, we are delighted to have Mr Fluffy as our entertainment officer.  Mr Fluffy has recently completed a stint as a Games Master for the Olympics and is well versed in keeping people happy.  He lists several hobbies in his profile but, unfortunately, most of them are illegal so we cannot mention them here.  However, we feel he has all the attributes that make an excellent entertainments officer and we are glad to welcome him to the team.

We are also delighted to have appointed a wildlife expert to the team, who we feel will be invaluable in assisting us with the upkeep of the wildlife sanctuary, which we are constantly adding to.  Some of you may recall the latest addition, a lion, escaped for a short while into the Essex countryside before returning to the sanctuary of his own free will.  We are confident that with ‘Dangerous’ on our team we will not have to worry about any of the lions escaping again.  Quite possibly because he will shoot them.

Below is a team photograph of our new team.  From left to right, Dangerous, Mr Fluffy, Bob and Big M.

Alongside these valuable members of staff we have also recruited a number of other specialists who we felt had something to offer.  Please welcome Ms X to the team as Head of Security.  Ms X was unable to provide us with further details as she would ‘have to kill us’.  We are confident she will provide an excellent service however as she came highly recommended by various East End establishments with dodgy connections.

We are hoping to open a cinema complex in the Spring of 2013 and have appointed a director to oversee things.  Xavier Upyerbum has an excellent portfolio and we are sure he will not let us down.  Owing to some ‘issues’ with the national press last year, involving a page 3 model and a plate of noodles, he was reluctant to be photographed but we did manage to snap him enjoying a glass of wine.

Alongside the cinema complex we have almost finished refurbishing the main dance hall.  Two of our candidates impressed us so much that we have decided to take them on as resident dancers.  Please welcome Patrice and Donald to the team.  This couple has years of experience behind them, as well as being able to dance a bit too.

Finally we were slightly bemused by the final candidate who came asking for a position as husband to one of the interview panel.  We felt that there was not a role for him in this capacity, since he was in fact already married to her, but we have offered him a consultancy position as his credentials were excellent.  If you look very closely you may just see them peeping out from beneath his kilt.

To finish off this update, the management would like to thank all those who attended for interviews and congratulations to all those who were successful in securing a position.  We welcome you to the team and hope we can continue to provide the exceptionally high service that our customers have become used to.

Well done Team Playa!!!

(Below is a photograph of some of the team with our patron, Lady Muck (centre), who usually turns up at these occasions in case there is any free wine going).

Thank you to everyone who attended the interviews.

The Management

Upcoming events at the Playa de Arlow!

Here at the Playa we are always looking for new ideas and events to entertain you.  It is, therefore, with great pleasure that we announce the first ever PSYCHIC FAIR, which will take place in the newly refurbished community area this Saturday, from 10am unti 4pm

As well as many stalls and attractions, including an appearance by (the now almost forgotten) Mystic Meg who, it has to be said, hasn’t worn too well….

……we are pleased to announce that Derren Brown will be making a guest appearance.

This is not THE Derren Brown, we couldn’t get him as he is on holiday on the Isle of Wight.  This is Derren Brown of Pitsea, the psychic medium who, it is said, inspired the other Derren Brown and who, indeed, allowed him to use his name.

Please do attend.  All proceeds go toward the Retired Psychics Association who badly need your support, due to unforeseen circumstances…..

Playa de Arlow’s Nature Reserve now open to the public!

You may think that the Playa de Arlow is all about having fun.  Well, it is, obviously.  But we are also very proud of our best kept secret –

Playa de Arlow’s Wildlife and Nature Reserve

Below are some recent snaps taken of the wildlife that can be found in the reserve, if you are very patient and very quiet

If you are VERY lucky, you will see some of the rare insect species that are to be found here. I wasn’t, so here is a bee.

Spotted this morning, a frequent visitor to the Playa, a lesser spotted Essex parrot. Sometimes known as ‘sparrows’, these little visitors are quite bold and have even been known to attack humans when hungry.

Here we have a pair of Albanian Eagles who must have just dropped in for a snack. We rarely see anything other than sparrows and pigeons so you can imagine our excitement when we spotted these!

Finally, here is a very rare glimpse of a lion. You may have heard about him recently in the news. We are very happy to say that he returned home of his own accord and now resides right at the back of the garden, sorry, wildlife reserve, or in our bedroom if it is raining. He’s quite harmless and a very private creature so we were thrilled to see him peeping out from the woods.

Playa de Arlow Spa now open!!!!

 

As the refurbishment continues, we are delighted to announce the addition of our spa and beauty treatment area.  We here at Playa de Arlow are dedicated to making your stay as relaxing and enjoyable as possible and we are extremely proud of our new jacuzzi, featured below.

The new spa opens tomorrow and for the first 20 guests we are offering a free go in the jacuzzi AND free treatments up to the value of £2.50.  Book now to take advantage of this special, once-in-a-lifetime, offer!

We hope to see you there!