Vintage comes to The Playa!

It has been some while since we have posted anything here at the Playa so, first of all, apologies to our many fans, patrons and guests.  We haven’t forgotten you, we have just been very busy getting everything ready for the summer season here at the Playa de Arlow.

As you will know, extensive refurbishment took place at the end of last year and we have been working on making your Playa experience even bigger and better for 2013.

Vintage and Burlesque are enjoying a huge revival at the moment so, obviously, Playa de Arlow is cashing in on it.

For your delight, therefore, we are pleased to announce some new events that we think you will love!

Firstly we will be holding a regular VINTAGE FAIR on the old car park, located behind the sewage tank.

outdoor sale

Entry is free and you will be able to browse the many stalls and sample home-made cakes, as well as buy vintage items (such as this very delightful genuine shopping trolley) at these events.


Should the weather prove to be inclement, which it invariably is in Essex, we will move the whole thing indoors and hold the Fair in the newly refurbished ‘Great Hall’

rubbish2As well as these very well organised Vintage Fairs, we will be holding regular BURLESQUE NIGHTS.  We have an exciting line up of world-famous stars booked to attend and we kick off next Saturday with the fabulous PAMELA PANTS!!

Always a classy act, she will be hard to follow!!

bad burlesque1However, we are also extremely lucky to have managed to sign a contract with the fabulously famous DITTO VON TEASE who will be performing once a month from July, in between touring the world and working in Tescos.

funnyburlesqueSo, as you can see…an exciting few months ahead!

To make sure you don’t miss out, book early!!

And don’t forget to keep checking back for more on our exciting SUMMER PROGRAMME!

The Management

Snow Fun at the Playa!

We are pleased to announce that the Playa is now a fully licensed ski resort as well as everything else.  We opened to the public at the weekend and we are delighted to accommodate the Essex Ladies Bobsleigh Team and the well established South Eastern UK Skiing Society who will all be basing themselves at the Playa.

topless bobsleigh

Members of the Essex Bobsleigh Team practising at the Playa


Excellent snow conditions for skiing at the Playa guaranteed!

We would like to invite you to join us and sign up for our exclusive Winter Sports programme.  Membership will allow you to use the facilities, which include a state of the art ski slope and tobogganing facility, as well as automatic invites to all the Apres Ski events, which we anticipate will be very popular.

ski party

Members of the Playa Winter Sports Club enjoy one of the regular apres ski parties

Do come along soon and introduce yourself and sign up to be a member.  Special rates apply until the end of this month and, if you say you know Flossie, you’ll get a free pair of ski goggles and a muff.


Happy New Year from the Playa!

Festive greetings from the Playa.  We hope you all enjoyed your Christmas break and we extend a heartfelt thank you to those of you who chose to spend Christmas and Boxing day with us.  Thanks again mum.

Anyway, we still have New Years Eve to look forward to and I hope you will all come along to this special event (further information is in previous update).  If you are unable to join us to see in the New Year we hope to see you in 2013 as we really do have a great year planned here at the Playa, details of which will follow in a future bulletin.

Meanwhile, Flossie has been busy expanding her portfolio and has recently decided to run for PM.  As I am sure you are aware, this is a very time-consuming job, what with lunches and press releases and running the country and that, so she may not have quite as much time to spend at the Playa.  However, Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) will be holding the fort and making sure that all your needs are catered for and she will still be around to oversee things (mostly because Keith would turn it into a brothel if he was left to his own devices).

As part of Flossie’s new venture, the Playa plans to rent out the newly refurbished dance hall and we are delighted to be able to tell you that David Cameron has already expressed an interest in holding the 2013 Conservative Conference here.

david cameron

Unfortunately, Flossie is a staunch labour supporter so it is unlikely that this will go ahead.  Nice to be asked though.  We have approached Eddie, therefore, and we are waiting for him to get back to us.  We’ve included several tempting ‘extras’, such as free beer, sandwiches and call girls, so we are hopeful he will want to hold this prestigious event at the Playa.

(It should be noted at this point that Flossie is NOT running for PM as a labour candidate as they are also pretty useless.  She intends to form her own party and is busy working on her manifesto as we speak).


Anyway, that’s all from the Playa de Arlow for now.  To all who have loyally followed and supported us this year, we say thank you and we would like to wish you a


The Management



Meet the team!

We are delighted to confirm that a number of appointments were made yesterday here at the Playa, following a day of recruitment.

Competition was tough and we congratulate the successful applicants who will be taking up their positions over the coming months.

Our first appointment was something of a specialist position but one we felt was very much-needed at the Playa, since we are currently looking to expand further.  Bob, as she likes to be called, will be helping with the massive new building project we have planned over the winter months.  She is VERY experienced in all sorts of construction work, and has been instrumental in helping get some of the largest erections in the world up.

Our next new member of the team is Mintie, who will be managing the brand new golf course for which planning permission is currently being applied for.  Mintie, or ‘Big M’ as he likes to be called, described himself as a ‘Ball-whacker’ which immediately endeared us to him in the interview.  He has vast experience in the world of balls and we feel he is going to be a huge asset to the team.  Welcome, Big M.

Alongside Big M, we are delighted to have Mr Fluffy as our entertainment officer.  Mr Fluffy has recently completed a stint as a Games Master for the Olympics and is well versed in keeping people happy.  He lists several hobbies in his profile but, unfortunately, most of them are illegal so we cannot mention them here.  However, we feel he has all the attributes that make an excellent entertainments officer and we are glad to welcome him to the team.

We are also delighted to have appointed a wildlife expert to the team, who we feel will be invaluable in assisting us with the upkeep of the wildlife sanctuary, which we are constantly adding to.  Some of you may recall the latest addition, a lion, escaped for a short while into the Essex countryside before returning to the sanctuary of his own free will.  We are confident that with ‘Dangerous’ on our team we will not have to worry about any of the lions escaping again.  Quite possibly because he will shoot them.

Below is a team photograph of our new team.  From left to right, Dangerous, Mr Fluffy, Bob and Big M.

Alongside these valuable members of staff we have also recruited a number of other specialists who we felt had something to offer.  Please welcome Ms X to the team as Head of Security.  Ms X was unable to provide us with further details as she would ‘have to kill us’.  We are confident she will provide an excellent service however as she came highly recommended by various East End establishments with dodgy connections.

We are hoping to open a cinema complex in the Spring of 2013 and have appointed a director to oversee things.  Xavier Upyerbum has an excellent portfolio and we are sure he will not let us down.  Owing to some ‘issues’ with the national press last year, involving a page 3 model and a plate of noodles, he was reluctant to be photographed but we did manage to snap him enjoying a glass of wine.

Alongside the cinema complex we have almost finished refurbishing the main dance hall.  Two of our candidates impressed us so much that we have decided to take them on as resident dancers.  Please welcome Patrice and Donald to the team.  This couple has years of experience behind them, as well as being able to dance a bit too.

Finally we were slightly bemused by the final candidate who came asking for a position as husband to one of the interview panel.  We felt that there was not a role for him in this capacity, since he was in fact already married to her, but we have offered him a consultancy position as his credentials were excellent.  If you look very closely you may just see them peeping out from beneath his kilt.

To finish off this update, the management would like to thank all those who attended for interviews and congratulations to all those who were successful in securing a position.  We welcome you to the team and hope we can continue to provide the exceptionally high service that our customers have become used to.

Well done Team Playa!!!

(Below is a photograph of some of the team with our patron, Lady Muck (centre), who usually turns up at these occasions in case there is any free wine going).

Thank you to everyone who attended the interviews.

The Management

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