Flossie Returns!!!!!

Hello faithful followers and patrons of the Playa

It has been some while since I posted and I do apologise. We had a great season of events planned leading up to Christmas and the New Year but everything was put on hold by Keith (pronounced ‘Keith”s) untimely absence due to a misunderstanding involving a young lady, a walrus and a gorilla fancy dress costume, resulting in a short break at her Majesty’s pleasure.  All resolved now and we managed to keep it out of the papers but it did mean that I had nobody to unblock the drains or do the shopping, or indeed everything. Since I am technically related to the Queen (long story) I cannot be expected to even know how to do these things. It’s just not in my genes.

Anyway, Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) did return at the beginning of January but by then I was so traumatised by having to wash my own smalls and feed myself, I felt I needed a break.

I therefore went on sabbatical for a month.  I will probably tell you about my exploits in another post but for now, it’s all go here at the Playa now I am back, with a special party being laid on for me!  Unfortunately, since all the staff left us over the ‘incident’ and my subsequent lack of commitment to the Playa, it has been left to Keith (pronounced ‘Keith’) to organise everything.  During my sabbatical, Keith (etc) was good enough to keep the place going but he had to contend with the worst rainfall since records began and also a serious drink problem, not to mention an undiagnosed condition of the foot, which resulted in many hours in A&E and a limp.  He also turned the place into a brothel, something I predicted ages ago if ever I wasn’t about, so I had to spend a week evicting Russian immigrants from all the rooms and Febrezing everywhere.

We therefore apologise in advance if the entertainment is not quite up to the usual high standards and ask that you bear with us as we have now invested in a whole new programme of upgrades, further details to be announced soon.

So, back to the party.

We will be holding this in the Club Room, not ideal for such a big event but sadly the only room not damaged by the floods.  This was the grand ballroom, which would have been perfect but, as you can see, is no longer useable.

The Grand Room, sadly no longer grand

The Grand Room, sadly no longer grand

Luckily, the Club Room escaped the flooding so we are able to use this, although with the amount of guests we are expecting it might be a bit of a squeeze.  I think you’ll agree it has a great atmosphere though, eh?  This photo was from the annual Penis Jugglers Convention, held at the Playa last year.  Always a fun event!

Penis Jugglers comparing notes

Penis Jugglers comparing notes

Entertainment will be provided by the ever popular Mitzi and Suze, still reeling from their success on Britain’s Got Talent, and who always delight us with their performance and sparkle.  Rumour has it that they have a new ‘adult’ act up their sleeves, involving pickled onions and some sandwich filler but we shall just have to wait and see!

Mitzi and Suze on TV

Mitzi and Suze on TV

Tickets are not needed for this event, which starts this evening at 7.30pm but you are advised to arrive early if you want a seat and some of the delicious free buffet.


We look forward to seeing you later on to celebrate Flossie’s return and a new year of events at the wonderful Playa de Arlow, the most happening place to be in Essex!!

Dress Code: Preferable

The Management



Christmas at The Playa

As those of you who follow the activities here at the Playa will know, we have been very quiet for the past couple of months.  This has been, in part, because the summer season finished but also due to the extensive refurbishment work that has been taking place.

We are thrilled to announce that this is now finished and, to mark this, we are holding some very special ‘Christmas Holiday’ events.

For a very competitive price we can offer you one of the special events we are hosting throughout the festive period, with the option of different packages, including accommodation.

Please see below for the full programme of events:

Christmas Eve


Dinner and dance with music by Muse and Rihanna (rarely seen together)


 Dress Code: No trackies or hoodies








Christmas Day

Christmas lunch and all the trimmings served by our temporary staff,  who will strive to make your Xmas Day a wonderful experience

Dress Code: Festive. No silly hats

Boxing Day

Celebrate with us as we party into the night with our ‘themed’ evening of entertainment.   Music will be supplied by our resident DJ and will go on until late (10pm).  Buffet snacks will be available throughout the evening.

Dress Code: Themed

New Years Eve

Grand banquet and masked ball!   Join us for an evening of intrigue as we see in the New Year.  Dance til the early hours with our resident DJ who will be spinning some tunes to get you tapping your feet! (Strictly no requests for Agadoo)

Dress code: Masked, obviously


Each event can be booked as a stand alone event or you can take advantage of one of our many package deals, which also include accommodation.

Our lovely new rooms all have en suite bathrooms and we also have a number of suites that are at the top end of the range and include the services of your own personal maid (white stilettos extra).  For those of you who are on a tight budget, may we suggest you go to Butlins.

To take advantage of these wonderful offers, or for more information, please leave your questions and details below and we will get back to you at some point.

Major developments


Hello guests

Well, there have been some big goings on here at the Playa de Arlow over the last couple of days!!   First of all, as you can see, we have moved to bigger premises.  This was a planned move and was necessary as the popularity of our exclusive resort continues to grow.  We hope you like the new resort and will enjoy the many new facilities we now have on offer.  This move also means we have room for bigger and better events and we will keep you posted about these!  We still have some work to do here so we hope you will bear with us and enjoy the bar and pool area, which are both splendid.

Without wanting to worry anyone, we have also had to delay things slightly because somebody left the gate open yesterday, during the move, and the lion got out (again!).  He’s a friendly beast, and only eats small children so guests at the Playa need not worry as we are child unfriendly here, as you know.  However, it has got into the press and there has been all sorts of fuss over it, with people wondering why we have a lion at a beach resort and so on.  This has obviously delayed our move so we do apologise and ask you to be patient while we sort this out.

Oh and if anyone sees a lion wandering around by the pool area, it’s ours.


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