The Only Way Is Playa de Arlow this summer!

Good day, Playa fans.  I hope you have all been enjoying the marvellous hot weather we have been so fortunate to have here in the UK this month?

Here at the Playa, we have been busy with the usual flurry of guests wanting to spend a few days away at our fabulous resort.

This month has seen an unusually high number of visitors, particularly since several members of TOWIE were recently spotted in the locality.  Technically, they weren’t actually TOWIE cast members but they certainly looked like them and behaved in exactly the same idiotic manner so they count as TOWIES.

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Obviously, with all the extra guests we have had to extend the resort and open up the rear car park to caravans and mobile homes.  I think you’ll agree that we have managed to create a very exclusive and upmarket site though, yes?

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And now we are almost into August…..

August is RIOT MONTH in the UK, as I am sure you are aware.  To celebrate this traditional British festivity, we will be holding a whole host of events to entertain you.

Come and sample some of the wonderful local (and international) beers on offer at the BEER TENT.

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Be entertained by the hilarious ‘Fire Setting’ event, where locals compete to see just how many vehicles they can set ablaze in an hour, dressed in traditional rioting costumes!

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Join the looters as they merrily rampage through the town centre, joyfully smashing windows and stealing worthless items from Poundland and Primark!

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Enter the traditional August Rioting Games and be part of the fun!

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Whatever you decide to do, we look forward to seeing you and we hope you will go home feeling that you are truly part of a great British festival!

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Vintage comes to The Playa!

It has been some while since we have posted anything here at the Playa so, first of all, apologies to our many fans, patrons and guests.  We haven’t forgotten you, we have just been very busy getting everything ready for the summer season here at the Playa de Arlow.

As you will know, extensive refurbishment took place at the end of last year and we have been working on making your Playa experience even bigger and better for 2013.

Vintage and Burlesque are enjoying a huge revival at the moment so, obviously, Playa de Arlow is cashing in on it.

For your delight, therefore, we are pleased to announce some new events that we think you will love!

Firstly we will be holding a regular VINTAGE FAIR on the old car park, located behind the sewage tank.

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Entry is free and you will be able to browse the many stalls and sample home-made cakes, as well as buy vintage items (such as this very delightful genuine shopping trolley) at these events.

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Should the weather prove to be inclement, which it invariably is in Essex, we will move the whole thing indoors and hold the Fair in the newly refurbished ‘Great Hall’

rubbish2As well as these very well organised Vintage Fairs, we will be holding regular BURLESQUE NIGHTS.  We have an exciting line up of world-famous stars booked to attend and we kick off next Saturday with the fabulous PAMELA PANTS!!

Always a classy act, she will be hard to follow!!

bad burlesque1However, we are also extremely lucky to have managed to sign a contract with the fabulously famous DITTO VON TEASE who will be performing once a month from July, in between touring the world and working in Tescos.

funnyburlesqueSo, as you can see…an exciting few months ahead!

To make sure you don’t miss out, book early!!

And don’t forget to keep checking back for more on our exciting SUMMER PROGRAMME!

The Management

Essex Wine – Only at the Playa de Arlow!

Here at the Playa we strive to keep our customers happy.  It is with great pleasure, therefore, that we are proud to announce our latest venture.

Essex has a rich, fertile landscape that lends itself perfectly to the cultivation of grapes.  For the past few years, we have been developing our vineyard and we are now ready to introduce the world to our wonderful, organic, locally grown wine.

St Chardonnay is named after a popular saint of the area.  Indeed, many wines worldwide have adopted the name and it is often mistakenly thought that the name derives from a variety of grape.

As it happens, the name comes from the wife of a local squire, around the time of The Conquests, who was renowned for her services both to the local community and to soldiers passing through.  She was beatified, and later canonised by the Pope himself, for her generosity and her ‘giving’ nature and the name has lived on through the ages, with many Essex couples still choosing to name their firstborn after this saintly lady.

We therefore introduce you to St Chardonnay de Playa 2012.

This wine initially has a light, fruity taste on the palette, with subtle undertones of chewing gum and smoky bacon flavour Wotsits.  On first taste you may think it is a cheeky little wine but, as the flavour bursts onto your tongue, you realise it is in fact a downright slapper.  Undercurrents of Stella and Lambrusco complete the illusion of a balmy night out in a local pub and the final kick, delivered by the essence of kebab, really completes the picture.

A finely balanced wine with the potential to deliver a punch, at 16% ABV.  Not for the faint hearted!

Available by the case at a very reasonable price of 45 pence per unit.

 

 

 

Meet the team!

We are delighted to confirm that a number of appointments were made yesterday here at the Playa, following a day of recruitment.

Competition was tough and we congratulate the successful applicants who will be taking up their positions over the coming months.

Our first appointment was something of a specialist position but one we felt was very much-needed at the Playa, since we are currently looking to expand further.  Bob, as she likes to be called, will be helping with the massive new building project we have planned over the winter months.  She is VERY experienced in all sorts of construction work, and has been instrumental in helping get some of the largest erections in the world up.

Our next new member of the team is Mintie, who will be managing the brand new golf course for which planning permission is currently being applied for.  Mintie, or ‘Big M’ as he likes to be called, described himself as a ‘Ball-whacker’ which immediately endeared us to him in the interview.  He has vast experience in the world of balls and we feel he is going to be a huge asset to the team.  Welcome, Big M.

Alongside Big M, we are delighted to have Mr Fluffy as our entertainment officer.  Mr Fluffy has recently completed a stint as a Games Master for the Olympics and is well versed in keeping people happy.  He lists several hobbies in his profile but, unfortunately, most of them are illegal so we cannot mention them here.  However, we feel he has all the attributes that make an excellent entertainments officer and we are glad to welcome him to the team.

We are also delighted to have appointed a wildlife expert to the team, who we feel will be invaluable in assisting us with the upkeep of the wildlife sanctuary, which we are constantly adding to.  Some of you may recall the latest addition, a lion, escaped for a short while into the Essex countryside before returning to the sanctuary of his own free will.  We are confident that with ‘Dangerous’ on our team we will not have to worry about any of the lions escaping again.  Quite possibly because he will shoot them.

Below is a team photograph of our new team.  From left to right, Dangerous, Mr Fluffy, Bob and Big M.

Alongside these valuable members of staff we have also recruited a number of other specialists who we felt had something to offer.  Please welcome Ms X to the team as Head of Security.  Ms X was unable to provide us with further details as she would ‘have to kill us’.  We are confident she will provide an excellent service however as she came highly recommended by various East End establishments with dodgy connections.

We are hoping to open a cinema complex in the Spring of 2013 and have appointed a director to oversee things.  Xavier Upyerbum has an excellent portfolio and we are sure he will not let us down.  Owing to some ‘issues’ with the national press last year, involving a page 3 model and a plate of noodles, he was reluctant to be photographed but we did manage to snap him enjoying a glass of wine.

Alongside the cinema complex we have almost finished refurbishing the main dance hall.  Two of our candidates impressed us so much that we have decided to take them on as resident dancers.  Please welcome Patrice and Donald to the team.  This couple has years of experience behind them, as well as being able to dance a bit too.

Finally we were slightly bemused by the final candidate who came asking for a position as husband to one of the interview panel.  We felt that there was not a role for him in this capacity, since he was in fact already married to her, but we have offered him a consultancy position as his credentials were excellent.  If you look very closely you may just see them peeping out from beneath his kilt.

To finish off this update, the management would like to thank all those who attended for interviews and congratulations to all those who were successful in securing a position.  We welcome you to the team and hope we can continue to provide the exceptionally high service that our customers have become used to.

Well done Team Playa!!!

(Below is a photograph of some of the team with our patron, Lady Muck (centre), who usually turns up at these occasions in case there is any free wine going).

Thank you to everyone who attended the interviews.

The Management